Character: Super Junior and SHINee. Kyuhyun-centric
Pairing: None actually. Well if you insist, there are 2Hyun (Kyuhyun/Jonghyun), HeeTeuk, HanWook, HeeWook (not what you think it is), KangTeuk, Jongyu (Jonghyun/Onew) and all of them are ninja! muahaha
Words: +/- 3420 words
Genre: Crack, totally crack, like a 3420 words full of crack.
Disclaimer: Not me, lucky SME.
Summary: SM's boybands' Leaders have their own Leader's Manual. Kyuhyun found the manual. And sorry, he didn't like it at all.
Warning: Character abuse, language, also warning for my bad grammar
Note: Based on me and my friend's weird talk about how it'd be if Kyuhyun was a leader. ANYWAY IF YOU'RE A SHAWOL, OR A TWO-TIMER ELF & SHAWOL, DON'T FORGET TO READ THE NOTE AT THE BOTTOM, OKAY? OKAAAY? ^0^
Kyuhyun was in the lounge, throwing a cup of popcorn into his mouth one by one while eyes were fixed on his psp. It's just another boring day when Super Junior's members got nothing to do--when the maknae's hand suddenly touched something thick on the sofa.
He looked at the certain thing which was actually a two-cm thick book--with a big "LEADER'S MANUAL" attached to the cover. The subtitle was 'do not open unless you're a leader or his/her only-trusted vice'.
Leader's manual...? Is this Leeteuk's...?
He tried to read the book when suddenly Heechul came out of nowhere, took the book from his hand. "Don't you know that it is forbidden to take other's thing, maknae?"
Kyuhyun used his most innocent look--considered it as 'maknae looks'--staring at Heechul's eyes. "I just want to give it back to Teukie."
"No you can't." The older smirked, carefully opened the book to make sure that nothing was broken. "Let me, as his vice, give it back to him myself."
Kyuhyun frowned. "I never knew you're our vice leader."
"Well, at least this book is forbidden for a maknae like you," Heechul gave him another smirk before going into Leeteuk's room.
Kyuhyun rested his eyes once more to his psp, trying to forget the Leader's Manual thing. Yet, it couldn't go from his head.
Is there even a Leader's Manual in a form of book as thick as that!?
The second time Kyuhyun saw the book was when he's in SHINee's dorm (Don't ask why he's there in the first place, the answer is simply because Jonghyun was hyungwhoring him like usual). Being a curious and older than the entire SHINee's members he was, he took the chance to being all authoritative only to get the book.
"What's this, Jonghyun-ah?" He asked, grabbed the exactly the same Leader's Manual book like Leeteuk's.
"Ah!" Jonghyun widened his eyes, making an expression of 'give-it-back' to Kyuhyun, yet it felt like too ruling, he thought, and Kyuhyun couldn't being intimidated by him anyway. "That's... It's Jinki-hyung's..."
"Onew's? Leader's Manual? Does every leader have this? I don't know if my leader has one too." He looked at the book carefully, his voice was barely a whisper to scare Jonghyun and indirectly forced him to say everything he knew about the book.
And luckily it succeeded in making Jonghyun shuddered. "Y--yeah. Only the leader and the second oldest know about its existence. And especially, the maknaes whom their existence is a total opposite of leader, forbidden to see it."
Only leader and the second oldest; so that's why Heechul was being (too) leaderly when Kyuhyun saw the book--even though Heechul's attitude didn't pass as a leader. At all.
"And why is it THIS thick?" Kyuhyun asked--no, more like he's investigated.
Sweat was already seen on the younger man's face, afraid that this man before him would know everything about the book later. "Um--yes because leader is the most important role of the group. Don't you as a maknae receive a manual too, hyung...?"
"Nope. We maknaes were just told that we should act as innocent as possible and as sweet as a candy," He groaned to his own sentence, it's like the contract he's never going to finished since he's not sweet at all. "--but not THIS thick, Jonghyun."
"Um, right. That's why only leader and their most-trusted--self-claimed--vice are the ones who know this book even exists," He shifted to get the book from Kyuhyun, only to be responded by the older maknae's death glare and slight smirk. "Err, you can copy it if you want, Kyuhyun-hyung... Just don't forget to return it as soon as possible."
The first page was already making the snarky maknae knitted his eyebrows in confusion.
Rule 1: Leaders are clumsy.
a.) Falling all of a sudden without any reason is a simple and good example.
WHAT IS THIS?
He checked the cover once more--Leader's Manual; do not open unless you're a leader or his only trusted vice. On the footer it's said: "SM Entertainment". Right, he didn't copy the wrong book. Even on the first page it's written "SHINee Onew" which gave him a good proof that the book indeed belonged to Onew.
He opened the middle page.
Rule 161 :
Leaders have their individual talents, yet they hide it to show their members’ best talent off.
Kyuhyun closed the book immediately. This is nonsense.
So it was actually really hard for Leeteuk to change his image from the old 'stereotype leader of SM's group' into a 'most different leader to change Super Junior to be the very best'.
"Leader is the most important role of a group," Kyuhyun lectured Leeteuk one day, "If Super Junior's leader has the similar image like the other group's leader, Super Junior is not unique anymore and our popularity will go down."
"But--" Leeteuk bended before him, way too shocked to stand. "There is no way I change my idol’s image just like that..."
"We won't change your image then," Kyuhyun snorted. "Because you can't; you're originally a motherly woman trapped in a form of guy, being all protective, sappy, melancholy, feminine, no masculine at all. I just can't change your image since it's already your real personalities."
Leeteuk was already crying on Heechul's chest, who just laughed at Kyuhyun's explanation with a "you're totally right!!" rapidly.
"Let me just get this straight," The maknae continued, "We want a new leader, who doesn't being tied up by rule and idol image, which is a real masculine who will just be himself."
Everyone was still silent, until Kyuhyun opened his mouth again. "And he is absolutely me."
Leeteuk was crying harder now ("Who's the fool telling a maknae about the sacred Leader's Manual??") while Heechul, as the second oldest who should have protected the Leader's Manual, has nothing to do because he actually agreed with Kyuhyun's ideology. (and it's 40% of agree about the leader's different image and the 60% was for Leeteuk being a woman trapped in a form of her opposite gender).
All of the fans were cried maniacally when Kyuhyun stood on the stage after performance, shouting a "I'm a leader and I do not lie!" Still, no one believed it.
So the (used to be) maknae logged in to his twitter, tweeted a "I'm a leader now. I do not lie, Teukie permits me too."
Most of the fans retweeted it, but still, it was considered a mere hoax.
And so he forced Jonghyun to announce it by live on SHINee's performance, complete with I'll-tell-Onew-and-Leeteuk-that-you're-t
Kyuhyun was in trending topic for seven days straight.
Kyuhyun opened the manual once more before he got on stage.
Leaders have their default stage-couple. Leaders have to protect their members from not going to far from their default stage-couple.
Years in SM has made Kyuhyun noticed that his default stage-couple was either Sungmin or Zhoumi.
What the hell? I'm the leader, I have the full authority. This means it's up to me whether I'll be with my default stage-couple or not, even apply my members' default stage couple as I like.
And he closed the book.
Later on their performance, he made the fans screamed in shock for always sticking with Shindong and threw Sungmin to Zhoumi's side.
"Kyu," Donghae said to him one night, "I want to go to bathroom but it's so dark, I'm afraid. I need you to accompany me."
The youngest groaned. "I'm sleepy! Is that the way you talk to your leader?"
Donghae nodded bluntly. "Yes. Teukie-hyung once said it, about rule 17 or so."
He shooed Donghae away ("Kyu? Kyu?? You're not going to accompany me??") before opened the said rule.
Leaders will do everything their members ask them to do, even if it dangers their life.
Kyuhyun sprayed the sentence with his red pen, replaced it with 'Leaders do not love their members' life; ask anything you want your leader to do and you're facing heaven.'
Since then Donghae never ask him anything.
Kyuhyun didn't like how Rule 53 sounded.
Leaders are kind persons. They compliment other person even if they are not his members and will not stain their image.
It's totally not his thing.
So he took the chance to flame everyone when Super Junior (with him as a representative because of his current position) meet SHINee in one show.
"Jonghyun-ah is a spoiled kid," He said to the mc.
Jonghyun frowned; but immediately noticed that this was one of Kyuhyun's ignorance. He just smiled to keep his idol’s image. Being said as a spoiled kid by his senior was considered cute, anyway.
Kyuhyun continued, "Jonghyun always call me in the night before he goes to sleep, saying that he will feel lonely if he doesn't hear my voice."
Jonghyun's lips formed a bitter smile.
"He even ask me to teach him dancing our Bonamana and No Other."
Almost everyone in the set was staring at the poor younger boy in amazement.
"He even said that our Bonamana and No Other are great songs because those give different image to us,"
Jonghyun took a deep breath. It's okay, Jonghyun, bear with it.
"He said our songs are original, unlike Lucifer who sounds like Ring Ding Dong and Amigo mixed together."
This time, even the entire SHINee's members were staring--more like glaring--at Jonghyun. The latter's palms were sweating, even when he saw the usually composed Onew was glaring at him now. He gulped before decided to open his mouth, "Wait Kyuhyun-hyung, I didn't--"
Unfortunately Kyuhyun cut him off with a look of gentle smile yet a 'I'll-Tell-Onew-about-the-manual' glare.
The MC finally asked, "You really said those, Jonghyun-sshi?"
"Yes I do." Jonghyun managed to answer while a full sentence of 'I'll tell Onew about the book' was spinning inside his head.
The set went full of laughter (while SHINee's members weren't amused at all). Kyuhyun was smiling again, patting Jonghyun's shoulder, whispering a "Next, I want to flame Key as well. Manipulate him to agree with whatever I say or I'll tell Onew."
Jonghyun has to bear Key's dejection and sadness because of Kyuhyun's lies, for the next one hour.
(Minho and Taemin didn't bother at all at first, but they also went mad when finally Kyuhyun mentioned that innocent-maknae image wasn't cool anymore and the muscled-member--Minho in this case--should be a sissy too like a mix of Siwon and Heechul to make the world more interesting.)
Kyuhyun himself considered that he finally has a good weapon called Operation ITO (I'll Tell Onew).
Kyuhyun was replacing all of the positive rules in Leader's Manual with whatever he liked, until his eyes fell on Rule 46.
Leaders love their maknae as if he/she is their own child.
Meh. So that's why Leeteuk is always protective to me (on the stage) despite all the bad things and naughtiness I did to him.
He didn't like this one too, taking his red pen and streaked the rule and replacing it to:
It is maknae's duty to take care of leader's wants and needs.
Little did he know, Heechul was peeping behind him. "So... Who's the maknae now?"
Kyuhyun gaped. Right. He used to be the group's maknae, it wouldn't make any sense if he took care of his own wants and needs. Like, what the hell? He needed real maknae, real servant.
Heechul suggested, "How about Henry? Or Kibum, or even Ryeowook?"
"No," Kyuhyun grinned evilly, "Let's make things funnier."
Later he announced that the new maknae was Leeteuk because it will look like that they're trading position. Simply neat.
("Kyuhyun is always abusing me either when I'm in the position of leader or in maknae position! He’s cheating!!", Leeteuk cried)
No one liked the rule changes except the fangirls and Kyuhyun himself.
Kangin contacted the new king one day, "I heard you like to abuse my Teukie."
Kyuhyun snorted on the other line. "Well he's the maknae. I was getting bullied by him too when I just came here, about... four years ago."
"Stop playing around, maknae."
"Shut up, you're not even here," And he cut the phone off.
Next, Kibum chatted with him when they were busy playing Starcraft, "I heard you change Donghae's idol’s image."
Kyuhyun snorted again (but this time Kibum neither saw nor heard him, certainly), typing a "Let me explain. There are five prototypes of character image, I'd call them as Groups, in our world--"
"And those five would be logarithm, linear, statistic, integral and differential?"
"Shut up. I'm not talking about math like I did yesterday. Listen to me, those five are Cool-Man Group, Pretty-Man Group, Cute-Man Group and Wild-Man Group."
"That's four. Where's the other?"
"I don't know what I should call it, so let's just continue with those four." Kyuhyun typed, "Listen listen. If I sort it, you would be at Cool Group while I'm in Wild Group."
Kibum shrugged on the other line. "Is this Harry Potter?"
"Noo! Listen to me! You'll understand if you listen."
Kibum nodded in silent.
"Despite me in Wild Group and you in Cool Group, I think Henry would representative Cute Group the best and so does Heechul in Pretty Group. You get it? Those five are the sources of our images in SM."
"It's four. But I get it. And what is its connection with Donghae's change of image?"
"You know I'm talking about prototypes, right. Those five are so classic!! It's not unique anymore if you're related to those five images! So I’ll make things more interesting. Listen. I'll change Donghae's image to a cutey but in reality he's a psycopath! He used his cuteness to pull people into his trap; isn't that not cute at all? Yeah! It's the complicated cuteness! Complicated cuteness, made by me!"
Kibum's last sentence before signing out was "Even Heechul can make fanfic which better than your mind."
Not only Kangin and Kibum; even Hankyung phoned Kyuhyun also, from China.
"Ryeowook called me, crying," The Chinaman said. "He didn't like you to pair him with Heebum."
"Better than pair him with Ddangkoma," Kyuhyun grinned.
"You make them pose in a too provocative way and publish it on your twitter," Hankyung sighed. "I don't want to know how you make a cat to pose like that, though."
"Right. I got so many replies back then, most of them commenting the brand new pairing; HeebumRyeowook. And oh, that HeebumRyeowook was trending for three days, you know?"
"Stop this Kyuhyun, even Ryeowook is crying because of this."
"Noooo, this is my characteristic as leader. This is my logo. I'm going international, international, international!"
"Stop using my song," Hankyung sighed again for the nth time. "Seriously, can't Leeteuk-hyung stop you?"
"He's in the kitchen washing all of the dirty plates if you want to know."
"Heechul-hyung can't stop you too?"
"He's too happy for being paired with Zhoumi because they can go shopping all the time."
"Well," Hankyung sighed again (while Kyuhyun thought did the Chinaman has too much oxygen?), "Kyu. I think you should join Siwon to the church."
Eventually, Super Junior was on the edge of disbanding because of violating most of SM's official rules.
"This is all your fault!" Leeteuk cried (how many times did he cry since Kyuhyun was being the leader?) "You change all of the rules as if you do not know just how cruel SM actually is!"
Kyuhyun shrugged. "Yah. We still could remake Super Junior, only not in SM."
"It's not an easy thing to deal! How about our fans? What will they think about us??" Leeteuk literally cried, taking a box of tissue to keep his tears from flowing down.
"You have no right to order me around, Teukie my maknae,"
"It's not the time to--"
"I said, silent."
Leeteuk gulped and cornering himself to the wall, cried almost inaudibly.
"Yah mak--I mean Kyuhyun, I have to agree with Teukie about this," The usually evil Heechul suddenly speak, "You don't want our group to disband just because you’re playing around, do you?"
Kyuhyun frowned. Well, Heechul was his loyal follower since the start (excluding Jonghyun who followed him because he's afraid of Operation ITO), and to see him disagree with Kyuhyun for the first time... At least Kyuhyun realized that he has done something very bad.
Kyuhyun shrugged, suddenly stood up on his feet and wore his jacket. "Alright."
All pair of eyes stared at him.
"You want to go to...?" Heechul cut him off.
"SM's office certainly," Kyuhyun responded calmly, tying his red-laced shoes and exited the dorm. "Come on Heechul-hyung, you go with me."
Heechul blinked in confusion, but the frown vanished eventually and a smirk replaced the said man's face. He grabbed his coat and wore the shoes, didn't waste any time when he suddenly grabbed Leeteuk on the collar. "You, go with us."
Leeteuk still sobbed, "Me? Why?"
"Because you're the leader, everyone in the company knows you. Come on now."
Leeteuk was confused, but accepted it anyway.
They did not return yet even when it's already the next day. The left seven members were sitting down in the living room, all of them were zoning out; imagining the thing to be back as usual once again when the three has returned. Ryeowook imagined the way he wouldn't has to sleep with Heebum on a double bed anymore, Siwon really wanted to take off the pink dress Kyuhyun has asked him to wear, Donghae was tired to bring a knife everywhere, Shindong was tired too to throw a cake to his face in order to kiss it since his default couple was ShinCake--simply, everyone hated their new images and was waiting for the three to come back with good news.
The door opened, and they didn't have to see who that was because of the hard stomp on the floor. The seven used-to-be-bored boys ran not so gently to the front door, greeting the three. Finally, they will hear the good news, they thought.
Except, if Leeteuk's cry--and keys in both of Heechul's hands could mean anything bad. "Guys," Leeteuk said weakly as he walked pass the seven boys to his room, "I'm sorry." And then he locked himself in the room, later crying sounds could be heard from inside.
The seven boys gulped. Leeteuk cried while Kyuhyun and Heechul have their typical grins... Did that mean...
"So... How is it, hyung?" Sungmin was the brave one to open his mouth.
Heechul grinned evilly, "They're scared when I said I can make the ELF all around the world to come here by internet and the ELF would beat them to death."
Everyone nodded. As expected so much from the netizen, Kim Heechul.
"Next," Kyuhyun took the keys from Heechul's hands. "They're too scared that they even sacrifice all of their belongings as long as they wouldn't be killed by fans."
Everyone didn't feel like they want to know the continuation. "And then...?"
"And then," Kyuhyun smirked again, this time his hands clearly showing off the keys. "From SME's profit, SME's building and even SME's trainees--they give me those for free. It's not SM Entertainment anymore, it's KH Entertainment standing for KYUHYUN ENTERTAINMENT!"
Note 2: Right, so I don't mean to bash SHINee. Don't flame me, SHINee lovers. I love them, but unfortunately I'm not smart enough so I cannot prepare good roles for them except as Kyuhyun's victims. Sorry? >: